The Inviting Shift Podcast
Embrace the authentic, confident you so you can feel good in your skin and have deeper relationships. The Inviting Shift Podcast focuses on how we step through this messy journey of life confidently so we can feel good about how we show up, have more connected relationships and connect to purpose and meaning. Or in short, how we manifest the lives we crave in practical, tangible ways.
The Inviting Shift Podcast
S3 Ep. 1 Embracing Change and Opening Up to New Possibilities
In this episode, we explore the topic of transitions in midlife and the various changes that occur during this phase. Hear our personal experiences and expertise and the importance of intentionality, self-reflection, and cultivating new friendships in midlife. In this chat, we discuss the importance of building and maintaining friendships in midlife and offer advice on how to make new friends and nurture existing relationships. We want to emphasize the idea of embracing change and opening oneself up to new possibilities. We encourage you to tune into your inner desires and pursue what brings you joy.
Our Guests
Bernette Sherman is a multi-passionate creative intuitive who uses her gifts as a writer, intuitive, coach and mentor. Bernette's work in all areas, including That Shero Life podcast and Shero Life coaching, is aligned with her goal of creating an epic life with more wellness, joy, love, and abundance for herself and other midlife women. She's published twelve books and had two plays produced, with most works featuring sheroes. Bernette also helps aspiring and new authors with self-publishing and public-speaking through her company, Mount Hope Media.
Connect with Bernette:
Substack | Instagram | Facebook | Website
Jamie Bessler is a retired educator. Empty nester. Seeker of personal enrichment.
Maryam Solhjou supports mid-lifers to cultivate intention and wisdom in their relationships so they feel connected and nourished in life's second half.
Connect with Maryam:
Facebook | Instagram | Website
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FREE GIFT: The Confidence Tool Kit is here to help you walk into the second half like a queen (because you are one already). Get it here.
Email me and tell me what you think: christina@christina-smith.com
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Music by Oleksii Kaplunskyi
#transitions #midlife #changes #personalgrowth #friendships #intentionality #friendships #midlife #careertransitions #purpose #change #personalgrowth #selfcare
Christina Smith (00:04.115)
back this week with transitions in midlife. And I gotta tell you, when I thought about this, I was like, transitions in midlife, why did we not think about this earlier in our lives? And it's like, I don't know, I kind of thought I would get to like 45 and just kind of coast the rest of my life or something, like nothing would change happily ever after. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I didn't realize how much, how many things can transition in midlife. And so I have these beautiful, amazing women with me today to
talk about all these transitions and what we can do. And we have different experiences and different expertise. So I'm really excited to have this conversation. without any further ado, I just want to introduce the women who are on our panel. I am Christina Smith. I'm the host of the show. I am a midlife mentor and coach. But we also have the beautiful Bernette Sherman. Bernette, how are you today?
Bernette Sherman (01:04.436)
I am doing fabulous, Christina. Thank you so much for having me on. I'm excited.
Christina Smith (01:07.001)
Awesome. Yes, tell us a little bit about you, Bernette.
Bernette Sherman (01:13.326)
Sure. So yeah, I'm Bernat Sherman and like Christina, I do coaching and healing for midlife women. And I'm an author and really my goal is to help women create epic lives and have more wellness, more joy, more love and more abundance. And I do a podcast that's sheer life podcast and coaching.
Christina Smith (01:41.373)
Yeah, that's Shiro Life, so go look that up, y 'all. I'll make sure that there's a link to it below. Thanks so much for being here. And Jamie, and Jamie, I love Jamie. She's one of my favorite people. She runs a lot of circles for women, but tell us a little bit about yourself, Jamie.
Bernette Sherman (01:49.294)
Thank you.
Jamie Bessler (02:00.035)
I'm Jamie Bessler. I'm from sunny and very warm Phoenix, Arizona. And I am on a quest in the last third of my life to be a lifelong learner, to do the best that I can for myself with all of the changes that are happening.
Christina Smith (02:21.82)
Beautiful. you, Jamie. And Miriam. Miriam and I are accountability partners. I don't know if it's okay to say that, hopefully, because we meet every Monday and we have conversations and get ourselves motivated and inspired. So Miriam, tell us a little bit about you.
Maryam Solhjou (02:38.711)
We set ourselves up for the week, right, at the beginning of the week. Yeah, so I'm Maryam Saldu. I work with midlife men and women to help them cultivate more intention and wisdom in their relationships. So the second half of their life looks more like they wanted to. Relationships play a big part in our well -being and happiness. And so that's the area I like to focus on with people. people usually come in with issues
Christina Smith (02:41.63)
That's right.
Maryam Solhjou (03:06.411)
their relationships, but we always go back to starting with relationship with self and then work out from there.
Christina Smith (03:14.111)
Beautiful, beautiful. So tell me I'm not a lonelady. Was I the only one who just kind of thought somehow you like make it to some plateau and you just kind of stay there? And who was surprised by the amount of changes that we have in transitions that we have in midlife? Anybody else besides me?
Go ahead, sprint it.
Bernette Sherman (03:36.078)
I surprised. I felt like I was growing up again. As I approached 40, it was just like, who do I want to be now when I grow
Christina Smith (03:49.715)
Yeah, it's like a whole new idea of like, so now what? There is no like happily ever after where I just plateau sit in a rocking chair and like rock away the rest of my life. And I think that's really awesome for us, right? Because it like gives us a whole new lease on life beyond all those things that we planned for. Now that we're done with all the things that we planned for, now what, right? Anybody else have some major transitions that surprise them?
Jamie Bessler (04:20.283)
So I feel like I skated through menopause with the blink of an eye. when I hit, I'm past midlife, when I hit 60, for me, it was a time where, OK, I'm an empty nester. What do I want for myself? And huge changes in friendships and relationships, and even my relationship with myself.
Christina Smith (04:51.871)
What about you, Miriam? You've just been the same thing for the last 20 years? You good?
Maryam Solhjou (04:53.727)
Yeah, well, what Jamie said really resonated. Lots of twists and turns in this like second half of life, major curveballs and really, you know, so challenging to go through them. But then reflecting on them later, I have been able to see, wow, that was such a good thing because of that thing that happened, I was able to do this thing that I'm doing right now. So.
Christina Smith (05:20.147)
I'm in.
Maryam Solhjou (05:21.855)
At the time, not so nice, not so pleasant, but given the way that it's taken me, there have been many blessings. So been able to be grateful for a lot of those uncomfortable situations that have happened.
Christina Smith (05:39.679)
I love that so much. It it really hits to like the heart of like when I was 35, I thought now that I had my college degree and my job and you know, I was just gonna do what a lot of our Boomer parents did, stay at the same job for 20, 30 years and you know, just continue to do the things but.
there's a lot more freedom in our lives now that we can change in the middle. We can have all of these transitions happen and it's really a beautiful thing because close to what Bernette said, we can have like a whole another life come up. So, and I know one of the
places where women come to me and they're like, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have this job, I've had it, it's fine, but I feel like there's more in me, that there's more I want to leave a legacy even for some women that they want to leave something behind or feel like they've made a huge impact. What have you all seen with that in your expertise or in your lives or your friends lives or clients lives?
Maryam Solhjou (06:51.969)
Want me to go? can go. So, know, when I look back at like the previous generation and the culture and, you know, family that I grew up in, we see that, you know, there wasn't much attention of, okay, now I'm in a new stage. I need to think differently and do differently. It was just a continuation of what I was doing before. Let me just continue doing that now. I think we've become wiser in
Christina Smith (06:53.107)
Good.
Maryam Solhjou (07:22.221)
it's being talked about more that, you know, now I'm in a new stage. Maybe the things that I wanted in the last 10, 20 years were good for me at that time. But now that I'm in this new stage, I need to figure out what I want to do with the next five, 10 years of my life. Just thinking that, you know, we're in different stages, we're gonna want different things, relationships are gonna change.
and being open to and being open to change. So many times we're resisting. this friendship is changing. it doesn't feel good. Or my relationship with my partner is changing. And, know, we're just like fighting against that or distracting ourselves from paying attention to it. Whereas if we just stop and pause and say, OK, it's all right. Things are changing. What are my next steps? What do I want the next few years to look like? Being more intentional about.
about the stage that we're
Christina Smith (08:20.885)
I love that so
Bernette Sherman (08:22.446)
I do too, I do too. And I think depending on where, because midlife is pretty, it's a big phase of life that no one used to talk about, at least that I was aware. And when I was approaching 40 and I realized that I had this 10 year age gap between my two kids, like I was still very much firmly a parent of a three year old at that point.
going on four year old, but at the same time, a high schooler and knowing that, you know, those are very different phases. And now all these years later, having a young 20 something year old and a middle schooler, I'm still moving towards empty nesting, but I still have a kid in middle school. And it's interesting
I don't know what the next five years is gonna look like, but I'm trying to put things in place. And I know I'm not the only one. I've talked to a woman this weekend who was over 60 and she's like, who do wanna be? What am I gonna do next? And how am I gonna do it? And I don't think it stops.
Jamie Bessler (09:47.803)
Yeah, I love that. I'm in a, there's so much of that, that I felt like I lived. I have a 35 year old son and then my husband and I adopted and we have a 22 year old and a 19 year old, almost 20. So I feel like I've been parenting, been mom forever. And they're all, everybody's, mean, out of the house. And, but empty nesting is such
Bernette Sherman (10:08.098)
long time.
Jamie Bessler (10:17.391)
I mean, for me, it's only been a year, but such a great experience and time to figure out who I am besides mom.
Christina Smith (10:29.503)
I love that because there is such an identity with mom for a lot of people and I always find with empty nesting it goes one of two ways. It's either like moms like, please don't leave me, please don't leave me. Or there's moms like me or like, don't let the door hit ya. I'll see ya, I'm okay. I spent my 18 years, I'm really good. And you know, I think that's because
Bernette Sherman (10:42.648)
Yeah.
Christina Smith (10:56.711)
adolescent stage makes it easier for us to let go of them. It makes it a little bit more challenging and we're like, okay, enough. But yeah, empty nesting is a huge change and there's lots of women who, if that was their main identity, it becomes really hard to let go of that because there are no other identities to fall back on. So it becomes...
really like a lost period. Like I think it's always like the lost years where you're like, I'm a little lost. Like Jamie said, who am I now? What's going on? Like now that I'm not mom or I mean, we're still mom. We're just not full -time mom, right? We don't have the same responsibilities as we had before. And so how, what do we do? And then so there's a lot of women who go back to work or they pick up lots of volunteer positions or
Jamie knows all about that. She's been working a lot with women's organizations and picking up a lot of responsibility. But this is really a time where we get to start deciding. And what I think is so lovely about that is the job I do today, I would have never even guessed or imagined when I was 20. So.
this whole like when we ask kids, what are you gonna do when you grow up? Like which stage of growing up to what Miriam was saying, right? Like is that my 30s grow up, my 40s grow up, my 50s? Like and even Bernette's the woman that she was speaking to, like she's in her 60s and she's still like, who do I wanna be when I grow up? We're constantly growing up. So what kinds of things did you all find? And I know that Bernette, you still are not an empty nester.
But what are you looking forward to doing in your next phase of life? When we, what happens when we give up the mom title?
Bernette Sherman (12:50.894)
Should I start since I'm not there yet?
Christina Smith (12:52.089)
Yeah, go ahead. Jump on in.
Bernette Sherman (12:56.302)
I'm looking forward to more mobility, honestly. I'd love to travel, go see places, have time to be free and flexible. And I realized summer just ended for us here in Georgia. My son went back to school Thursday last week and it was like over the summer, it was just great. We had time to do things.
Christina Smith (13:00.767)
No.
Bernette Sherman (13:24.994)
And I just really, I look forward to that freedom of being able to just go and not have
adhere to the school schedule. And yeah, that's probably it then, just the freedom.
Christina Smith (13:44.607)
Jamie, you've been an empty nester for a year. What have you been up to?
Jamie Bessler (13:49.101)
A whole lot. I've learned, like I did a deeper dive into what type of exercise I want to try. And I have tried Pilates, I've tried yoga. I'm actually in love right now with a boot camp program and I do that four days a week. And the other thing is just figuring out who I am besides mom in the past year.
learning like to read, like I'm gonna say almost fall in love with myself again without that mom, know, hearing mom, mom, mom in my head a thousand times a day. And I'm, there's so much freedom. just, I just got back from the UK a week ago and I don't think I would have done that when my kids were younger.
Christina Smith (14:46.629)
away from them in a different country for over a week or about a week, I guess. Yeah, that's extensive. And what I love about your journey, Jamie, if you don't mind me sharing, is that what I have seen is there can be lots of women who they lose their kids and they're like, I need to go do the thing right now. I need to go get a job. I need to like have this other major identity come in. And you have not done that. You are more, you've
you've taken it one step at a time and just explored a lot first rather than just jumping into the next thing like you just spent because you have you have this expanse of years between your kids you just spent what 30 40 years mothering and so now it's like i love that you're giving yourself so much time and space to really explore what it is that you want to do how can you take better care of yourself how can you
Jamie Bessler (15:30.104)
I'm sorry.
Christina Smith (15:45.971)
improve your female relationships, which is a huge thing that comes along as well. And I wanna actually talk about that too, because friendships in midlife can really change as well. There's, I think a lot of us made friends as we were raising our kids with other moms, right? And so as we hit midlife and we're doing less things with our kids,
we have to find new ways to meet other women, to meet friends. And so I'm really curious about the changes in friendships that you all have been experiencing in midlife and what does that look like for you? I really thought that by midlife, my friendships would be pretty solid too. You know, just like the rocking chair, they'd be next to me and those rocking chairs and everything would be smooth. And yet I find just like someone said earlier, like it's a whole new growing up.
Sometimes in this whole new growing up, there's friends that can't grow up with us or we have to kind of leave behind. And I think that this is something that we don't talk about enough because it's a touchy subject and we don't want to be the mean person and we don't want to make the other person out to be a mean person or a bad person. But there are conflicts that happen in relationships. And if some of us are doing the work of growing,
Sometimes it's harder to keep on to some of the old relationships where they don't really want to grow and they want to stay stuck. Have any of you had experience with
Jamie Bessler (17:17.206)
Yeah, I have a very close female friend who I've, I mean, we met when our kids who are both Matthews were in preschool at the age of three, they're now 35. And so I've known her a long time.
I'm going to say I am not the same person I was when my son was younger. And I'm on a journey for myself. I feel like I don't like first time I said it to myself, it sounded harsh. Like I feel like I've outgrown the friendship. And instead of like cutting off the friendship completely, it's taken on a different form. And
works for me. I explained, I was very honest with her, like where I was at where I'm at in my life. And it's, yeah, it's changed.
Christina Smith (18:20.233)
Hmm. Hmm.
Bernette Sherman (18:25.354)
I think for me, it's almost giving myself permission to have those friendships now. Because my kids were so far apart, there was very little in common. One's a girl, one's a boy. One's very, very artsy and creative. The other one's like very practical, pragmatic. It was very little overlap. And so we just did a lot of stuff as a family, but part of that was also
on a whole other subject, my own healing journey in having those feminine relationships and having relationships with other women and being very intentional now about saying, yes, let's go get coffee. Let's go do this. You know, whether it's a movie, whether it's writing together, just being intentional about making time to connect with people in real life as much as I
And that's pretty new on my own wellness and healing and growth
Christina Smith (19:34.42)
Me as well. I've always been a very much of a doer where I like to do things alone and I like to and so it was really you know in my 30s late 30s and up until now that I have been really connecting with women more and like intentionally
making like a lot of my friends I move all over the place so a lot of my friends we are like on a schedule monthly of when we're going to talk because if not it becomes that thing where it's like yeah we'll connect we'll connect and then months and months and months go by so we actually stay on a schedule and I love that Miriam did you have anything around that around friendships and how they change for
Maryam Solhjou (20:17.223)
yeah, you know, I mean, I've, I've noticed that, you know, my relationships have changed and you know, I, and I think Jamie, said something about, not ending it, in where it's leaving a really bad taste in your mouth, but just the, the form has changed, right? It's just changed the way that it looks. you want to be able to see that person, and still be able to say, Hey, how you doing? How is, how's the family doing?
But just the relationship has changed. think any relationship that has left a bad taste in our mouth, there's still work for us to do on that. And sometimes it just takes time to work through that, whether it's in our own mind or if we need to work it out with someone else.
Maryam Solhjou (21:07.149)
What else did I want to say? And there are different, I have found I don't need as many friends as I've gotten older. Just the number of friends I have has gotten, has reduced. So I have like a couple of friends who we can share anything and everything with each other. I don't need 10 friends for that. I only need one or two friendships for that, right? And then I have like these outer rings of social circles.
that I have and for various things depending on what the activity
Christina Smith (21:39.103)
I love that. One of my favorite quotes is by Tupac and he says, just because we're not friends anymore doesn't mean that you're my enemy. I still want you to eat, just not at my table. And I think that that's how I want to be with my friendships. Like it's okay. Like I want to like...
like Jamie was talking about, we just put it on a different level. Like maybe we're not as close as we used to be. Maybe we don't hang out as much as we used to. Or maybe it's like around specific things. I have a friend that I've had for 25 years and she doesn't do personal growth. She doesn't go to circles. She doesn't like see a therapist. I love her. And yet there's a lot of things that I need to do without her because
it wouldn't be beneficial to either of us. Like I can't force her, you we can't force the horse to drink just because we bring them down to the lake. And so we have to allow people to be who they are. Is she still a really good friend? Yes. Am I going to bear my personal stuff or ask her for advice? Probably not. I mean, it's just not where we are as a friendship, but can we go out and hang out and have a wild like adolescent time? We sure can.
And that's what she's there for, you know? And so I have different friends and for different reasons, right? And I, too, Mariam, I've always kept my circle really, really small. But I do find that I need less of those outer rings, right? Like I have a lot of women's circles that I sit in.
but it doesn't even mean that I'm necessarily friends with them all. But I do want to go to one subject, right? Because I always get this question from my clients, and I'd love to hear all of your opinions on this, which is, how do you shift? So they say, I want to make new friends. And I'm like, great, go to book clubs or meetups or wherever it is that you're going to find other women that like the same things that you like, right?
Christina Smith (23:37.139)
And then they're like, yeah, so I go to those. how, it's like almost as nerve wracking as asking a loved one out, like a partner out, right? It's like, how do I get them to, like, what do I say to them so that, like, you know, do you wanna hang out sometime outside of this group? So I wonder if any of you have advice on.
How do we shift those relationships from being like acquaintances at networking groups or book clubs and move those into more deeper relationships? What are some tips or advice or thoughts or stories you might have around that? Yeah.
Maryam Solhjou (24:17.617)
so, you know, like you said, like becoming part of a book club or, finding the meetups, like I have a dog and over the last couple of years, my interest in dogs and dog psychology, just the whole, category of dogs has become a greater interest to me. So I started volunteering at my local shelter from there. have extended my social network by meeting all the other volunteers there.
And just over the weekend, we had a volunteer meetup. And then there we were able to just have side conversations, figure each other out, get to know more about each other, and actually develop those relationships. And a couple of them have already called me wanting to hang out outside of volunteering at the shelter. So I think pursuing what our passions are.
is the best way to extend our social circles really. Because then you have that common interest of whatever it is that you're working on together as well that keeps you tied together.
Christina Smith (25:24.191)
Hmm
Bernette Sherman (25:27.06)
second that wholeheartedly. think about I've met a lot of great people as a writer and you know as an author meeting other authors but even just as a writer I'm a playwright and connecting with other just creative people I just love them and then I did a fair this weekend which was a mind body spirit fair but I took my books so it's like we have an opportunity to share and sell my books I'm going to and
Lots of people came over to talk about the books and editions for healing. And I was able to meet people and I'm supposed to be having, I'm actually going to get together with one of the people tomorrow by phone. We're going to just talk and then someone else the week after next, and we're going to talk. So going places like Marianne said, where you already have an interest and this connection, I think is a great way. And take it slow, just like you would with dating.
You gotta warm up to people.
Christina Smith (26:29.779)
Great advice, that's great advice. And just the leaving your house part, like I have so many women who are like, I need more friends, but I don't leave my house. And it's like, well, they're not gonna come knocking on your door probably unless you're looking for Jehovah's Witness friends or something. I don't know, know, how else do you do that? Jamie, you got anything on this?
Jamie Bessler (26:49.689)
So I think too, just being very intentional about how I spend my time. And I've made really good friends at this small gym I do boot camp at. And there's that commonality of everybody working there to improve their health. And I've tried several book clubs and I've actually, the latest thing that I've tried was like we've
We're forming a cooking club. it's everybody, there are like four of us who are really trying to eat like clean eating and healthy. that's prompted deeper friendships.
Bernette Sherman (27:34.37)
things that we're all, things you're interested in and yeah, creating bonds around them I think is really a smart idea because then you at least have something in common.
Christina Smith (27:46.195)
Yeah, absolutely. And again, I'm a nomad, so when I want to make friends wherever I move, I usually open up a networking group for women because there's so many women that work from home and they don't get to go out into the world, into a workplace. Or they own a business and owning a business can be very lonely if you're a business of one or just a few. And so that's one way that I've met women. I also have
circles for women within where I have met a lot of women as well locally. So if it's not there, just like Jamie and this group of people did, create it, you know, like go out and create it. Sometimes we have to go create the thing instead of, you know, complaining. I live in a really, really small rural area right now and there would, there's nothing. Like I've gone to meet up and meetups like, yeah, 50 miles away.
There's just nothing around where I am, at least nothing in my interest, right? So I can travel or I can say, hey, I can actually do this myself, which I think that is something that we can be scared to do, but I've not had a problem with it yet. So if anybody's got questions about how to do that, let me know, because I would love to share that. And I've met really awesome people that way. Amy's one of the people I've met that way is having circles and
getting women together so that we can really share from our heart or whatever. If that's not your thing and know painting is, go create a painting group or a stitch and bitch group. I think some people say they do like crocheting and knitting. So whatever it is that you want.
Maryam Solhjou (29:36.621)
was just going to add on to that and being okay if it fails, right? You know, we have to try so many things and the majority of them may fail and being okay with that failure until we find the thing that really is the right fit for us.
Christina Smith (29:51.187)
I love that. had a woman on the show before that said that dating is when instead of going out on dating and thinking like this has to be the person you go out and you go this is just practice this is just fun I'm just practicing my skills I'm learning right and so if we say that same thing with you know like Bernette said it's just like dating if we practice that same thing with friends like
it's the same thing, like not all of them are gonna work out and we don't have to take it personally, we don't have to say, that's about me. No, it's just not a fit and that's okay. That's why there's so many people on the planet, so that we have lots of other people to choose from and that can be okay for us. Awesome.
So I wanted to, now that we're here, I wanted to switch back to the whole career transition because I think that's something that most of us have experienced even if it's not a career but like your purpose transition really, right? When I was growing up I was told, you know, you go to college, you get your job. We talked about this and I said I just thought I was going to keep that job and that was
However, I don't know if it's the generation that we are or the amount of stimulation that we have, but many of us are not happy doing the same thing for 30, 40 years. Many of us want to change that. I admire those people who are in positions where they just keep growing their position and they love it and like they got their career right from the get -go, but I think most of us, that is not exactly how
our journeys have gone. It definitely is not mine. Again, 10 years ago, I probably, well, 10 years ago is when I started my business and I was scared. In fact, for like five years after that, my mother used to keep sending me unemployment or employment ads to be like, hey, you know, you need a job. And I'm like, I...
Maryam Solhjou (31:52.587)
Yeah.
Christina Smith (31:55.679)
do have a job, I run a business every day. But you know, the generation before me was very much you get your paycheck and you move on. And I think that today we're seeing so many other ways of doing it, especially like when we look at like jobs that didn't exist 30 years ago, like influencer. And now it's like, that's a real job. People make real money doing that.
Bernette Sherman (32:20.778)
Thank you.
Christina Smith (32:22.188)
And nobody would look at that like a nine to five, so is it a real job? So what have career transitions been like for y
or purpose transitions. Not all of us have to do it for money, right? We can just shift our purpose. Yeah.
Maryam Solhjou (32:40.429)
So when my kids were, my kids are 30 and 27, so when they were in middle and high school, one day, I don't know what hit me, something hit me and I'm like, my God, these kids are gonna be out soon, what the hell's gonna happen to me in my life, right? Because they didn't really have a career at that point. So that thought really rattled me, so that's when I went back and I got my master's degree in organizational psychology.
And so I ended up working in, you know, did some consulting, did some family business work and then, lots of stuff happened, you know, family stuff happened in, in, I think it was early fifties. And then that's when I said, you know, this is, I had always thought about starting a coaching practice always, but it kind of, it scared me. then, in my early fifties, I'm like, you know, this is work that really lights me
And if I get to the end of my life and I hadn't tried it, I know I'm going to regret it. So I need to, I need to at least try it. And I think it's been like what five, five years, five years now that I've had it. And I'm so glad and I'm so glad that I did. So.
Maryam Solhjou (33:52.597)
And that's not like, I I spend a lot of my time working at my local shelter too. So that's also part of my passion work as well as working with the dogs that we have at the shelter. So it can be more than one.
Christina Smith (34:05.439)
Hmm. Yeah, I love that so much because I think like in my life I always think like there has to be that one identity of what it is that I do and as I've gotten older and Realized like I don't work the 70 -hour work weeks anymore I don't think my business is gonna grow faster just because I'm exhausted anymore, which you know ten years ago I really thought like if I worked 70 hours surely that should make my business grow faster
And it really didn't, it did the exact opposite, because I was too tired to really show up the way that I wanted to show up. And so I think it's really beautiful for us to also say, yes, this is my passion, I love this. I'm still only gonna do it 20 hours a week so that I can make room for these other things that I also enjoy. And I see Bernette lighting up, so I can't wait to hear what she's got to say about this.
Bernette Sherman (34:58.742)
I'm going to chime in because on Facebook, a women's group I'm in asked a question, how many of you work full time in your business or part time as an entrepreneur and part time in regular job? And I like, I work part time in my business and I work part time on my serious hobby. And I like it because I've tried to not write.
and it just doesn't work for me. Like, I've tried it. But at the same time, I also have this other message and this other gift that I have to share and that my purpose is in helping women. And I do it in my writing as well, but that's different. And it's like, they're two different parts of me and I bring them together. It's not like I'm, people don't know that I'm a writer. It's like, yeah, this is me. This is, you know, all
parts and aspects, but I think it gives you a chance to flex different parts of your brain, your identity. Like I became a personal trainer and a nutrition coach and cause they were important to me. you know, it's just things I care about. And it's like, if I care about it, I'm going to find time and energy and space to do it. And for me working in my coaching,
is something I do, but it's not something I'm going to give all of myself and time and energy to, because I need to be balanced. And I learned
when I wasn't being balanced.
Christina Smith (36:42.687)
I found in my life it's never been really healthy for me to be so obsessive about one thing because there's so many things going on in life. It's not like there is a part of my brain that would be like, yes, I would love to be shut into a room and just do my favorite things all of the time. But like my favorite things are like crocheting and coaching. And so it's like I could do those things all the time, but that would...
also take a lot of the fun out of it, right? Like when people want to change to be like more creative or an artist in their second half and they start doing like 60 hours worth of creative work. I mean, that's exhausting. Just because we enjoy something doesn't mean that it doesn't exhaust us or it takes energy from us because it most certainly does. I mean, I love coaching and
When I'm done coaching after like, you know, a few hours, if I've had like a longer day, then I'm like, I don't want to talk to anybody. I just want to like ground myself again and be, you know, calm and quiet. That's usually where I go. And so, yeah, I think that it makes sense for us to really start figuring out how it feels in our body. I think it's the most important thing that I've done.
in my midlife is like slowing down to go, what does this feel like? Is this the day to write that landing page? Because there's some days where it's like, this is gonna be terrible. I'm gonna probably have to redo it tomorrow because I am not in the mood for this, right? And so I get to listen to myself and slow down and make choices. Jamie, you got anything around this?
Jamie Bessler (38:26.651)
So I, my path has been a little different. taught inner city, bilingual kindergarten for 28 years. And then, I mean, and over that time I got my master's degree in educational administration and kids raising kids was a big part of just what I was doing. But at the same time, even when they were younger and still at home, I dabbled in stuff. I figured out
lit me up and a lot of it was volunteering and giving back to the community. And I'm bilingual, which is always in demand, especially in the Southwest. And I translated for school districts. I translated at the airport for a while, which has kind of led me up to now. And I think that
fortunate now to be able to, feel like I have a wide open playing field and I can try a new career if I want. I'm figuring out how many hours I want to volunteer. What feels good? What feels like, okay, this is just too much. And at the same time, trying new stuff to stretch.
Christina Smith (39:48.627)
I love that. And I guess that's what I really want us to look at with all of these transitions is this wide open playing field that you just said is like, we can start to, as we age, as women, start looking down on ourselves or thinking that we're not capable or nobody wants us or we're not being seen. There's lots of lots of phrases like that that I hear from people. Or we can say,
It's great nobody's looking. I can dance like nobody's watching, you know what mean? And I have this wide open field. Like anything's possible. Like that's really what I women to walk into their second half. Sure, we're not working 80, 90 hours a week anymore and we're not gonna have that same kind of...
gusto to go after things in that way. But I think that we do it in a much wiser way of like, instead of me having to do all of the things, what if I just chose the things that I really loved? Which, let me tell you, just saying it to you, I can feel that in me that's like, I can hear my mother going, you gotta do hard things first. You gotta do the hard things and you know, you have to earn it. You have to earn your fun, right? And we really don't.
We can choose not to believe that anymore. We can choose to say, I did all the hard work. I already called it done. I can now get to choose what it is that I want to do. And I know that we're very lucky in this circle that we have the resources to do that. Not all women can. Some have limitations financially. They have to keep doing that nine to five because they need to pay the bills and they need to put the roof over the head.
there is so much that we could, what if we could open it up to like an open playing field? What would we do? And I think that that's such an important question, especially as we're empty nesting, as we're getting settled in our careers to be like, is this really what I want? Or could there be something different? And the reason that's so important to me is because that came to me in my thirties and I spent like a good year crying on the way to work before I was like, hmm.
Christina Smith (42:02.239)
maybe something's wrong with this picture. Maybe I could be doing something else. And I think that sometimes we think that we have to settle or we have to stay stuck. And I love that idea of open field. How about y 'all? What do you think about this open field? How do we want to see these transitions in midlife? General question.
Maryam Solhjou (42:26.909)
So coming back to what Bernette said, I think most of us feel that I should be doing this thing, but we ignore it or we don't want to pay attention to it because what if I do it and I fail? So it's like really easy to say I have, and we all have these opportunities, right? I mean, there's not all, but most of us have all these, like an open field that you said that we can try different things.
What I experienced with my clients is a lot of them want to do it. They lack the confidence in doing it. They left like the organization They talk themselves out of doing it because they're afraid they're gonna fail. What's my partner gonna say? What are my friends gonna say? And really coming back to first of all Listening to that restlessness that that yearning that's in all of us and not ignoring that and being okay if
if I fail at it, right?
Christina Smith (43:29.139)
I love that. Or just trying, you know, it may be hard, it may be challenging to figure out, but if we're not challenging ourselves, we might as well be sitting in that rocking chair or just rocking the rest of our day away.
Maryam Solhjou (43:39.701)
Yeah.
Bernette Sherman (43:43.534)
And I think when I think about midlife now, like I truly believe like I'm in the middle because people are living longer. And, you know, a long time ago, people were starting to, you know, he turned 60 and it was like, okay, you're looking at the watch. And now I'm like, 60 is so young. And it's like, you still got, well, in my, I think you still got 40 years. What are you going to do with the next 30 or 40 years? That's a long time. You can start.
a completely different path. And you know, for me, one of the things I ask myself now, does it bring me joy? And I've decided that I'm not doing anything that does not bring me joy. Now, yeah, I got to do the dishes in the laundry. They don't bring me joy, but I know that they're not. They're necessary so that I can feel joyful in my home though, so I can feel comfort.
Christina Smith (44:35.592)
I my mind.
Jamie Bessler (44:37.391)
you.
Bernette Sherman (44:43.992)
But as far as like my contribution to society or the world or whatever I'm doing outside of that, it's kind of bringing me
Christina Smith (44:54.047)
I love that. I love that. Because there's been times where I wanted to give up stuff. Like I was on a board for very long time and I knew I should give it up but I was just afraid that they wouldn't be able to fill the position if I left and then who would do that? Nobody can do that so it has to be me and I kept myself in that role for much longer and when I finally left it, it took them a little while but they found like three people to come in and take that position basically or at least the jobs of that position over.
and they did 100 times better than I could have. So to me, that was like me giving myself permission to say no, because now I'm leaving that space open for somebody who really has the skill set, who really might find some joy out of doing that thing, who really wants that position and wants to serve or help in that way. And I think that they're there, you know, but we
That doesn't happen if we think, I'm the only one who can. I want to promise you, you're not the only one who can. And some things, if they just don't get done, that's fine too. How about you, Jamie?
Jamie Bessler (46:02.211)
I'm thinking actually specifically of something that like with Women Within that I'm volunteering right now. And it's again, it's that open playing field. I'm trying it. It is not likely going to be like, it is not lighting me up constantly. So then the question is how like, you know, do I wanna do this maybe with some other help?
and what's next.
Christina Smith (46:36.567)
Yeah, exactly. Awesome. Well, we've talked about empty nesting and children and all kinds of transitions that are happening, friendships that happen. So much changes in midlife. This is not the time where I know that 65 is like the retirement age, but like there's a whole nother life after that too, right? That's a whole nother transition where it's like...
Now I don't have to do this full -time thing, so what is it that I, like everything opens up, right? All the fields open up then, not just one. So it's pretty awesome to think about all the things that we could be doing. And I guess that's really my big note for this show. And I'm gonna ask each of you to end with one piece of information for them. But for me, it's really.
just seeing possibilities, like opening to possibilities. You don't have to do them all, so don't scare yourself and be like, I'm interested in that and this and that and this. We don't have to do them all or focus on all of them. But find the things that give you joy and start questioning those beliefs that are like, you have to earn it or it has to be hard or all of those things that
those were beliefs that I had that really held me back from giving myself permission just to do things that felt really, really good. So with that, I'm gonna have you all exit out by giving us one piece of information that or wisdom that you wanna share. And if you have anything to share about your business,
for you to share that as well so people know what it is that you do and where they can go to find you. And Jamie, I'm going to start with you. I know that you run circles in Phoenix, so I just want to put that out so if anybody's in the Phoenix area, Jamie's got circles for you.
Jamie Bessler (48:31.099)
So as far as just general wisdom is to not be afraid to try new things and that if it doesn't work out that I'm not going to take it personally or treat myself harshly, there was a reason that it was not a good fit. And yes, I
run women's circles in the Phoenix area for women within Western. And always open.
Christina Smith (49:06.277)
Thank you, Jamie. And how about Bernette?
Bernette Sherman (49:11.896)
Thank you. Thank you so much for doing this, Christina. I'm so happy I got to be on here. I would say that if I could share one thing, it's that we all have the power to change our lives. Like, I'm thoroughly convinced that we truly are the authors and the sheroes of our own lives. We have the power. And on that note, I
Christina Smith (49:25.417)
Hmm.
Bernette Sherman (49:39.122)
You can find me at thatchirolife .com. Again, that's that, T -H -A -T, chirolife .com. And next year I'm gonna be putting out my new book, which is on mindset and healing and creating epic lives called Free Your Mind and Manifest Your Epic Life, which I'm gonna put in all the stuff I did.
Christina Smith (50:04.799)
Beautiful and I'll make sure all those links are below so they can make it easy easy to just clickety -click and find that Shiro life and you do a podcast as well so if you're on Spotify listening to us now or Apple or YouTube you know go look that up because she's she's got that podcast out there too. Thanks for that and Miriam.
Bernette Sherman (50:16.365)
Okay.
Bernette Sherman (50:25.624)
Thank
Maryam Solhjou (50:29.229)
so I guess I there's so many things that I could end with but I guess for midlife I would say Change is normal transitions are normal. When we expect that things aren't supposed to change I think that's when we struggle the most. so when we see changes in our relationships with friends with our children with our partners
These changes are normal. just means that we're human. let's not, I would say let's not fight it, but let's figure out what is this here trying to teach me? What can I learn from it? How can I grow from it? And.
Christina Smith (51:11.101)
How can we invite shift? The name of the show, right? So how can we invite it? How can we embrace it rather than see it as a
Yeah, beautiful.
Maryam Solhjou (51:24.427)
Yeah, yeah, and not looking too far ahead. my god, this is a disaster. The rest of my life is ruined, but just really taking it one day at a time. you know, change is normal. We struggle more when we fight, when we fight, when change happens. So yeah, and you can find me at Embrace Your Wisdom.
Christina Smith (51:44.319)
Beautiful, beautiful. I love that note right there because that is just so true. yeah, I think, don't the Buddhist say that the biggest part of suffering is that the world's not showing up the way I expected to? And that's basically, you know, what we're doing when we fight that. So lovely wisdom. Thank you, you wise women. I appreciate that. It's one of the best things about midlife is I feel like we really get to start stepping into
Maryam Solhjou (51:59.009)
Yeah.
Christina Smith (52:14.237)
wise inner self and we really can start listening to that. So thank you all for tuning in to this week's panel of beautiful, beautiful guests I have. I'm so lucky to know all these women that are so lovely. Hopefully that you got something out of it and we will see you next week.
Jamie Bessler (52:20.827)
Thank
